Just Here… – by Lunah Eir

It’s August. Winter is almost over. The year is almost done.

 I sit here on a Sunday night, after a weekend that I expected to go pear-shaped, and I aint talking hinies, (it didn’t) feeling the best I have in months.

Some action movie playing on mute, long curly hair is up in a ball, awful fitting pants and a vest….plain and simple, ciggie burning in an ashtray because I simply just need to write and get all that I have to say off my chest. A mixture or Bloodhound Gang, Ben Howard and Kings of Leon blaring into my ears through very funny looking headphones (THEY’RE THE “IN THING” I HEAR – AH HUH), with a complete feeling of contentment, of happiness.

Why?

WHY?

Because I’ve decided that this is how I will always feel. Because this is the only life I have, because for some reason I have been blessed with the little I wanted and all I needed. (Eminem has just started playing – *did I add this to my playlist???* – ‘Ive been to the M#^*F&%@ mountain top, heard M#^*F&%@ sing and drop…’)

I started the year awakening to something I had no idea about, to something I was fascinated with but scared of at the same time. I have experienced heart ache that brought a hard-ass like me to my knees, I have experienced confusion, irritation, aggravation, loneliness and hunger for essence. I’ve also experienced the love of a family that doesn’t even know what I look like, I have had privileges to join groups and share in discussions like my opinion actually meant something. I’ve had people put their trust in me. I’ve found what very few do – home. In every way possible.

The point of life I thought was to be a success, to get married, have babies. Have my parents be proud of me, look after my friends. Make lots of money, have nice things… And then I got bitch slapped so hard by life I fell over backwards and saw things for what they really were.

I wasn’t made to be perfect, I was born to be me, in all my imperfect perfection. I was made to make mistakes, I was made to learn the hard way. Made to have hangovers regretting the night before but doing it all again next Friday, made to be rude to a client that gives me shit, made to give the middle finger to friends that actually aren’t friends, made to walk out of a job into a shittier one that makes me happier. I was made to be exactly what I am (‘Howlin’ for You by the Black Keys ‘***Cant this thing go any louder!!!***)

Since I’ve had this crucial tiny piece of self –discovery, all I’ve thought about is why the fork did I not realize this sooner.

Why do we allow ourselves to be labeled. Vampyre, Pagan, Gay, Canadian, White, Male, Disabled. Why can’t we just be people, people that are learning, loving, singing and MAKING MISTAKES. Why can’t we just …. Just who we are.

I leave you with the words of Ben Howard…

‘I’ve been worryin’ that my time is a little unclear
I’ve been worryin’ that I’m losing the ones I hold dear
I’ve been worryin’ that we all, live our lives, in the confines of fear…

Oh I will become what I deserve’.

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The Mantra of the Living Vampyre – by Octarine Valur

I am a living Vampyre, gifted with an affinity for energy and a need to consume it.

I do not need to cause harm to feed, nor to take it by force,
For there are those who will give of themselves freely at my request.
I grant anyone I ask for help the right to refuse to help me, should they choose it,
Just as I reserve the right to choose to help those it is within my power to help.
I cherish those who choose to sustain me, in gratitude for their kindness.

I know that everyone has a dark side, and that mine is no darker than most.
I know that I have a shadow, just as everyone has a shadow.
I know that if I do not walk in light, I walk in shadow, without light.
I cannot walk in light without casting a shadow, and my shadow cannot exist unless I walk in light
I accept that it is by my shadow that I shall know the light.
As a Vampyre, I walk the line between the light and the shadow, and at times, astride it.

I know that though I am one, those like me are many – as I also know that through our Communion, the many are one.
I understand that alone I am strong, but together with others like me, I am stronger.
I hold myself accountable for my actions, as I hold others accountable for theirs.

I do not call myself “monster”, because monster is, as monster does.
The Beast is a monster, but I am not the Beast.
The Thirst is strong, but I am stronger.
Though I suffer in Thirst, I am more than this.

I am a Vampyre, but I am also human as well.

First Blood – by Rose Dantis

It’s finally time. We’re in my car… alone in the dark car park. A car guard stands some fifty meters away from us. I feel… completely safe. I remove my elbow-length velvet gloves, and put them in the door pocket. You stare at my arms. I ask you to open the glove compartment. There’s a towel, a small box of blades, a bandage, and a shot glass in there. I sense your disappointment in seeing the shot glass. More